My Best Jokes of 2013 – (Redacted Part 8)



Under Probability!

I get one friend wen dey like to use ‘under probability/na probability’ in every discussion:
Me: How body? You dey go work?
Friend: Body dey cloth. I nor know how body dey do me. To go work today na under probability o.
Me: How far? You fit help me buy some items for market when you close back from work?
Friend: Well, today na busy day for work o. I go don tire when I close o. To help you na probability o.

One day, my friend ask me for money. I answered: ‘Technically, it’s highly improbable under current mathematical and economic variables and probabilities for me to render your request.’
My friend replied: ‘If you nor get money talk, nor dey blow grammar. Na quarrel?’

Well, na lack of vocabulary dey cause am. If not, words like ‘probably’, ‘maybe’, ‘likely’, etc can be used instead of ‘under probability/na probability’. Maybe, that na the one grammar when my friend cram for school.

E get other words wen people like to use. Words like: ‘in fact’, ‘in short’ and others. Imagine three friends meet. One like to use ‘under probability/na probability’; another one dey use ‘in fact’; the last one dey use ‘in short.’ So one dey, dem sit down outside. Them come see one fine car pass. This discussion ensued:

Friend 1: In fact, that na Toyota Camry.
Friend 2: Na lie. In short, that na Honda Accord.
As the argument dey go on, them come ask Friend 3 for input.
Friend 3: Hmm… In fact, if you look the car from the front, na Camry. In short, if you look the car from back, na Accord. But if you look the car from the side, I don’t know… That na probability o.


Ajebu and Ajekpako (Kpako) in Labour!

If you see two women in labour, you can tell who be Ajebu (grew up in a privileged home) or Kpako (grew up in a less privileged home) by the things they say when they in pains.

You see Ajebu grow up in a rich well-to-do home. When she dey small, if you beat Ajebu, she go cry, ‘Mummy! Daddy!’ Everything na, ‘I’ll tell my mum and daddy.’

So, when Ajebu don grow up, marry and get belle (pregnancy), wetin she do for small pikin level, na so she go continue as adult. When Ajebu dey labour, she go shout: ‘Mummy! Mummy! Honey! Honey! Darling, where are you? I’m in pains.’

But if Kpako dey labour, the story must change. You know say Kpako don suffer before. When she dey small, if you beat am, she go curse you, ‘Your Papa! Your Mama. You dey craze! Na my body you dey get power! Go beat you mate, ode!’

That is why when Kpako woman grow up, marry, get belle and come dey labour, she go dey insult the husband (Johnbull) and all and sundry: ‘Johnbull, where you dey? Johnbull, with your big head, where you dey? Na you put me for this one o. Na you put me for this wahala. Johnbull, e nor go better for you ooo… John… bull ooo… Nurse, where you dey with your white garment. The thing dey pain me ooo…’


Homo (gay) in a party!

See, na joke o. E get one guy when dey like night party. Lots of drinking, dancing with poor lighting! One day, the guy go one party. As usual, he was dancing, singing, drinking, etcetera etcetera (I like this grammar). After a while, he noticed another guy was dancing too close for comfort. Na so my guy tell the other guy,
‘O boy, I nor be babe, I be guy o.’ (Thinking the guy was too drunk not to notice)
The other guy reply,
‘I know.’
My guy say,
‘You know wetin?’
The guy answered,
‘I know say you be guy. Me, I dey like guys.’
My guy hala,
‘Shuooooooooo! Kweke ooooo (no English version but na exclamation remarks)! Ogheneme (My God)!’

 My guy run reach house. That was the last time my guy go night party.

O man, abi na O people, na joke oooooooooooooooooooooo. I nor dey there oooooooooooooooo.....’


‘ekoloma demba’ ‘malo nogede’, Timaya, na witch level?


Back in the days, I fell in love with Timaya’s music. Loved it, men! Inspirational Dem Mama soldier. Nowaways, Timaya’s music has taken a different turn. What is ‘malo nogede,’ ‘ekoloma demba’?

I decided to go online to find out what those words mean. I entered Google and I typed, ‘What’s the meaning of ‘ekoloma demba’, ‘malo nogede’?
Google Pidgin English replied:

‘Hmmm…. My friend, such words do not exist in our current lexicography.
Abi, you don smoke igbo (Indian Hemp)?’

My reply: abeg, nor be quarrel! Lexi… gini? That na Pidgin English? (Mschew.........)


©Dr Eugene’s Column (http://dreugeneojirigho.blogspot.com/)

©Dr Eugene’s Blogs (http://dreugeneoji.blogspot.com/)

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