My Best Jokes of 2013 – (Redacted Part 5 – Pidgin English!)
Deaf and Dumb!
E get one guy wen dey form (fake) deaf and dumb.
Every day this guy go stand near one government building dey beg with big sign
for em chest: DEAF AND DUMB! HELP! Two Warri boys wen dey always pass there go
work. Everyday them dey see the deaf guy. The Warri boys come dey argue:
‘That guy na fake deaf and dumb.’
‘Na lie, how big guy like that go dey form.’
‘I dey tell you, that guy na wayo (pretend) e dey do, if na lie make we go test the guy.’
Na so these Warri boys plan how them go deceive the guy.
One evening as dem dey come back from work, dem come hold five five naira wen dem go give the deaf guy. As dem dey drop the money, dem come dey talk small small among themselves:
Warri 1: Na wow. Na bad thing to be deaf and dumb.
Warri 2: Na true. That’s why dis guy never hear say dem throw bomb for the next street now now.
Warri 1: I even hear say this government house here na the next target o.
Warri 2: Abeg make we drop dis money, make we kawai (run), make dem nor turn us and dis guy to burnt offering o.
As the Warri boys turn their back dey waka go, after few seconds dem turn back see deaf and dumb don tear race dey run from the government building. O boy, na so the boys burst laugh o.
Strong man
Those days we dey hear say the best way to defend is
to attack. My brother these days, according to one of my friends, the best way
to defend is to run o. Nowadays the best defenders na those wen sabi run pass.
Those days I dey see people wen say dem stubborn,
dem go smoke 'igbor' (Indian hemp) come dey say, 'You know who I be? Nor try me
o'. Nowadays e get some things wen you go see, you go loyal! If you like
smoke all the 'igbor' wen dey this world, wen you see or hear about d Bigger
Brosses, you must loyal na.
E get one guy, wen e don smoke finish, e go dey
intimidate everybody. Na so one day, the guy smoke finish, e come dey waka for
road, dey curse anybody wen e see. Na so the guy come jam some guys wen dey
throwaway things, 'kpo kpo kpo kpa kpa kpa gbooor gboor.'
My brother, wetin dis guy see, the 'igbor' clear
comot from em eyes sharp sharp. E ma come pick race dey run. People dey ask am,
'Strong man, why you dey run? Wetin happen?' The guy dey run, e nor stop. Wen e
run reach one place, e don tire, so e come stop. People come ask am, 'Strong
man, we think say you nor dey fear anything. Wetin make you dey run?' The guy
dey try breathe, 'eh… eh… eh…' to recover from d race. Finally, e say, ' Abeg I
nor be strong man o, people wen get the world dem dey road o'. My guy continue
the race. E see wetin pass am.
Fake patient
E get people wen dey pretend say dem dey sick, so that
dem go get attention. Na women dey do am pass, especially married ones.
E get one wife wen dey always pretend say she dey
sick so that the husband go drop money. This man come get sister wen be nurse.
So everytime the wife sick, e go carry her to the sister. Everytime, sick sick.
The nurse come notice say her brother wife dey
pretend. So, one day dem carry her come say she dey sick. The nurse come go
look for those injection wen dey pain like the analgin of those days. When she
give the woman this injection, she see stars. She well (recover) by force.
After that day, she nor sick again. If this nurse
wan find her trouble, she go say, 'In-law, how far na? See your face.
E be like say you nor well o.' This woman go say, 'Nooo, I well o. In short,
since you give me that injection eh, I nor sick again. Sister, that injection
strong shaa.'
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