My Best Jokes of 2013 – (Redacted Part 6 – Pidgin English!)



Funny things wen man don see – Who steal the meat?

I remember those days for Hall 3, UNIBEN. One of my room-mates go market, arrange correct meat take cook soup. When he cook finish, he come go lecture. When he close, come back, come open pot, he see say pieces of meat don miss from the pot. The population of the meat inside the pot underwent some radical changes in numerical strength and body mass. To use big grammer make e nor lost.

The guy hala, 'Somebody carry meat from my pot.'

I come tell am say maybe na rat carry am. The guy say, 'Bros yee! Rat go carry meat from pot, come still cover am back?'

O boy! When he ask the question, I come really reason am. That na PhD question o. That kind rat wen dey steal meat from pot, come still cover the pot back so that make dem nor catch am. That kind rat deserve national merit award for excellence in thievery. We need to check the IQ of that rat. Na genius e go be.

That kind rat go fit question the owner of the pot: 'You count the meat? How you take know say the meat dey lost? Where is your proof? Show me the receipt of meat ownership.'


Funny things wen man don see – Stammerer!

Those days wen you hear ‘kpa!’ (a very loud sound), you go relax, maybe na tire burst. Those days wen you hear, ‘kpa kpa!’, you go relax, maybe na knock-out (fireworks). At that time, if you hear ‘kpa kpa kpa!’ you fit worry small, maybe na area boys (thieves) wen dey look for chop money when men dey sleep.

O boy, these days, wen you hear ‘kpa!’, na 100 metres race men dey take, you nor wan know wether na tire burst, whether na knock-out or area boys. Nowadays all men dey assume the worst.

Sometime ago, I go one market, I nor hear anything ooo, but wen I see men dey run, I join dem run. Somebody ask me wetin happen, I nor know. In short, no time to ask question, just dey run dey go. That is why, this time na bad time to be stammerer. Before you go ask wetin dey happen, all men don run leave you.

Just imagine this! Stammerer go market go buy some things. As he carry the heavy load wen he buy, he see people dey run. He dey reason, these many things wen em buy, he nor go fit carry them run. On the other hand, he nor go fit run leave them just like that. So he come say make he ask wetin dey happen so that he go decide wether na to leave the things begin run.

Na so stammerer stand. People dey run pass am. ‘we… we... we... we...’, no answer. Stammerer wan try ask, ‘wetin dey happen?’ Na so he stand there, ‘we… we... we... we...’ People dey wonder why dis guy stand and other people dey run, abi na Western journalist he be? Na Western journalist go see people dey run, he go waka go see wetin dey happen.

Na so stammerer stand with em load, ‘we… we… we...' After about 10mins, stammerer hear, ‘kpa kpa kpa kpokpokpokpo’ (very loud, continuous sounds), stammerer shout, ‘kweke!’ He throwaway em load begin run. The guy see strong thing that day!

Olodo and Olodo Squared!
Those days for school, he get one lecturer when like this word, ‘Olodo!’ E mean person when nor know book or dullard (person when dull finish). This lecturer, if he dey teach and he ask student question, if the student nor get the answer, he go ask the student to stand, face the class and say: ‘I am Olodo.’ Epic humiliation! Well, that na small olodo. If you see correct olodo, you go bow.

For secondary school, he get one big boy when be olodo squared. This guy enter exam hall, he nor read. As the exam dey go on, he come sight one of em friends when dey hide dey use one textbook do expo. He come tell em friend to give am the book. When olodo collect book, he come ask: ‘Guy, where I go take start; where I go take stop.’ The guy wan Xerox the book (copy and paste).
  

ATM Palaver!
If you nor get money for your account and you dey go ATM Machine, you go dey pray make nobody dey there so that you can quickly check your zero account waka.

That time for school, I go one ATM machine. I know say money nor dey but I just come check my account make em for nor lost.

When I reach the ATM, I see some fine fine faces there queue up to use the ATM. O boy, I say if I use the machine and I nor collect money na falling hand, na so I codely form say the queue too long, no time to wait, I comot there ASAP. Somebody dey do ‘si si si’ (whistling to call my attention), I nor look back. I got a reputation to protect. Make I nor fall my rep.


©Dr Eugene’s Column (http://dreugeneojirigho.blogspot.com/)
©Dr Eugene’s Blogs (http://dreugeneoji.blogspot.com/

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