My Best Jokes of 2013 – (Redacted Part 7)


Alert/Alarm!

There was this very rich man who built a big mansion and resort in a remote but picturesque environment. He had installed an alarm/alert system all over the mansion. In the front entrance there were cameras with video feeds going into a computer software program that has facial recognition capabilities. If he had guests, the faces of the guests are fed into the system for easy recognition.

So, for the fun of it, when he receives unexpected guests, the system was designed to send an appropriate signal. The signal depends on how beautiful or ugly the face is: beautiful/handsome face gets a sweat melody while an ugly face gets a harsh warning message.

One of the man’s friends paid him a visit. The friend was curious. He wanted to find out the signals sent for previous guests:

‘Chief, when you received Genevieve (beautiful actress), what was the signal?’
‘Cool Celine Dion music. Lovely.’

‘What about Donald Duke (handsome politician)?’
‘Cool Lionel Richie track played.’

‘What about Weird MC (ugly musician)?
‘We heard harsh sounds: Please, be advised, there is a possible intruder approaching.’

‘Really…! What about Adams Oshiomhole (ugly politician)?’
‘We heard: Please, be advised a militant on a khaki outfit is approaching the perimeter.’

‘Really! What about Taribo West and Baba (wowo squared/ugliest)?’
‘Well, the system crashed. We battled for months to fix it. Before it crashed, it kept sounding a very loud warning: This is an emergency. Unidentifiable aliens are on the approach. This system is going into lock-down. I repeat: Lock-down!  Lock-down!  This is not a drill!’

Snoring

(Good English) There was this young man who took his lady friend home. There was no power supply from Power (With)Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN). So, he decided to put on his small generator (gen). The lady could not sleep because of the noise from the gen. Hence, she asked the young man to put off the gen.

Later, after falling deep asleep, the lady started to snore, ‘hurhurhurhurhurhurhur.’ This time, the young man could not fall asleep, so he went out to put on the gen. He reasoned that the noise of the gen could override that of his snoring friend. Unfortunately, the sound of the gen woke up the lady.

She said, ‘John, please put off the gen, the noise is too much.’
John was so upset, he said, ‘Which of the gen will I put off? …The one on the inside or the one on the outside? Please, Cynthia, sleep and leave me alone.’

(Pidgin English) John come provoke, he say: “Na which gen I go off? The one wen dey outside or the one wen dey inside. Cynthia, abeg abeg, sleep and leave me alone!”

Blackberry!

These days wen guys meet ladies, instead of phone numbers, they exchange PINs. Person wen nor get PIN, na wahala o. See:

1. Boy meets Girl, Boy likes Girl, Boy talks to Girl, Boy ask for phone no, Girl ask for PIN, Boy looks like mumu (fool). Wahala dey o (trouble)!

2. Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Boy talks to Girl. Boy takes Girl out. Girl asks for a Blackberry phone. Boy has no Blackberry phone. Boy cleared his account to buy the phone. Boy is broke. Boy turns mumu.

3. Boy meets Girl. Boy is holding Blackberry. Girl is holding hers too. Boy likes Girl's BB. Girl likes Boy's BB. Both share PIN. Both share every. Boy dumps girl. Girl looks like mumu.

4. Boy did not meet Girl face to face. Both met on BB. Both interacted on BB. Both fell in love on BB. Boy then meets Girl face to face. Boy doesn’t like the real Girl. Girl feels the same. Both look like MUMU squared. 

Alcohol

One man went for an interview in Lagos. This guy drinks alcohol at breakfast, lunch, dinner, before bed and when he wakes up. He even dreams of drinking alcohol in his sleep. This guy took a long road trip to Lagos. While he was waiting for his turn, he dozed off.

 There were many other people around him waiting as well. Before long, this guy started dreaming and he was saying out loud, ‘Madame, another round… Please! Madame, please, another round.’ The guy sitting next to him tapped him, ‘Guy, wake up, wake up. You want another round of what? .... By the way, you are next in line for the interview.’


©Dr Eugene’s Column (http://dreugeneojirigho.blogspot.com/)

©Dr Eugene’s Blogs (http://dreugeneoji.blogspot.com/)

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