Dr Eugene's blogs

Sometimes, due to network problems or the length of the text message, we receive incomplete messages. It’s not often a problem; we simply wait for the complete message which usually takes seconds to minutes. But what if the incomplete text is full of suspense, how would you feel? Take these examples:  A lady received an incomplete message from the boyfriend. It reads in part: ‘Please, Dr. Kehinde, I need my HIV … (incomplete)’ This lady spent the next few minutes waiting and wondering, ‘HIV drugs, HIV test, etc?’ To compound her worries, she receives a different message, ‘Sorry, that text was not meant for you.’ Then, the complete message came, ‘HIV magazine.’ A lady has been in a relationship for some months. She’s been hoping the guy would man up and say the right things. Then, she got an incomplete message: ‘Ada, I’m in love with … (incomplete)’ Ada said, ‘Oh, he’s in love with me.’ When the complete message came: ‘Ada, I’m in love with your jollof rice....

Let me start with this: It’s a joke and no pun intended. We know ASUU has been on strike for months and some months ago, the government stopped paying lecturers’ salaries. As the strike tarried, one lecturer took matters in his own hands and started a hunger strike with the aim of bringing attention to the strike issue and possibly ending it. (He forgot that hunger strike nor dey work for Naija; hunger go kill you die. Nobody go say sorry.) This lecturer continued on and on with the strike. Relatives, friends, well-wishers, landlord, traders, creditors and the likes pleaded with him to stop the hunger-strike, but he refused. A friend asked, ‘Do you want to lose your life over this strike?’He said, ‘I’m ready to die for my beliefs.’ (for em mind, em na Madiba) ‘Aluta continua, hunger acerta!’ Recently, the FG ordered lecturers to go back to work or face sack. When this hunger-stricken lecturer heard that threat, he went indoors, took his bath, ate, and went to work. His c...

I went to a bank to make some transactions. You know that bank cashiers handle lots of cash from so many sources: some bank notes have been spat on, licked on, sneezed on, farted on, pooped on, marched on, and sweated on, and TB’ed on, and so on. All these notes are touched bare-handed by cashiers. So, imagine to my deepest chagrin, as I was waiting on the line, I saw the cashier using her finger to clean out her two nostrils (nose toileting). Can you imagine! ‘She go still use that same hand shake person, abi!’ The sad thing was that she was a beautiful young lady. Those fingers are meant to go places; the least of which was her nostrils. Imagine that you went to a bank. You were in the waiting line. The cashier is a stunningly beautiful lady. You were looking forward to a great time. Before you say Jack, Ekinne and Lawal, you see the cashier cutting her nails with her teeth. Amazingly sharp nail cutters. Childhood issues, abi? Imagine you went to a bank. The cashier ...

E get one lady wen dey sell oranges. She’s physically endowed; hope you understand that grammer. She arrange fine fine oranges put on a fine tray. Beside that, she come dress to kill, sorry to sell the oranges. She wear transparent  top/blouse when dey show her cleavage. She come add short skirt and fine footwear to match. She come dress finish, carry orange put for head. ‘Buy your orange! ‘Buy your orange! ‘Buy your orange!’ One guy come dey waka pass the lady. The guy look the orange, look the lady. He look the orange, look the lady. The guy confuse. He say: ‘Madame, na wetin you dey sell?’ The lady reply: ‘You blind! You nor dey see wetin I dey sell.’ The guy is still confused, ‘Madame, na wetin you dey sell?’ The lady provoke: ‘Abeg, abeg. You wan buy or not? Which kind question you dey ask? Abeg, I dey hurry. You be journalist?’ Guy: ‘No, I be politician.’ Orange seller: ‘Hmm… Bros! Bros! Na which one you wan buy? I get politica...

There was a time I thought that the words ‘trek’ or ‘trekking’ are solely Pidgin English words. Even when I found out that they are proper English words, I still feel reluctant using them as such. ‘O boy, where you dey trek go? ‘Guy, nor be small trekking o? ‘We trek so tail we tire. ‘See trekking!’ All the same, it’s all good. My people, if you want to trek a long distance, don’t follow a busy road. Otherwise, all Dick, Ekenne, Lawal, and Henry will see you and even offer you a ride. ‘Na soo… One day, one guy dey trek long distance go work. Let’s call him John. As money nor dey, my guy say make e use am do exercise. As he dey go, one car stop to give am lift, this guy refuse. “Don’t worry, I’m not going far.” ‘One motorcycle (okada) show, offering this guy a lift. John refused. “I’m trying to exercise my legs.” ‘One bicycle rider came along, offering a lift. Again, John refused. “Don’t worry. No biggie. My destination is just a stone throw away.” ‘As...

There was this lady. Let’s call her Jane. She’s been attending so many of her friends’ weddings. She kept attending with the hope that one day, it’ll be her turn and her friends will attend hers. She was also hopeful that she could meet Mr. Right in one of these weddings. So, on and on and on she kept attending weddings. Finally, Jane got Mr. Right. Let’s call him John. Both of them attended yet another friend of Jane wedding. While at the wedding, after so much music and dancing and eating, Jane decided to pop the question like a fresh bottle of wine. “John,  isn't  this lovely? When are we doing ours?” The question landed on John like a heavy stone. He was not prepared. “Jane, it’s not long we started going out. We need time to know each other. When the time is right, we shall cross that bridge.” “John, how do you mean?  We've  been together for more than 6 months. Anna and her husband went out for 6 months before marriage. Rose and her hub...

Recently, in an attempt to reduce my abdominal girth (pot belly) and my weight, I started doing early morning walk/exercise. In that process, I learnt that during such walks, if you see a fellow walk ee, you clap your hands in acknowledgement. In light of that, I started clapping my hands when I see other ‘jogging comrades.’ ‘Nor do nor do, one day like that, I see one man dey jog, I think say na comrade, I come clap hands. O boy, I nor know say em brain don enter reverse (kolomentally crazy). As I clap, the man say: “O Yes! Clap your hands for the President!” O boy, fear nor make me ask questions ooo…: Na which President you be? President of US? President of Naija? Abi, na early morning President of this expressway? My people, na joke! Collect one clap jor make e nor lost … kpakpakpa… myself.’ ©Dr Eugene’s Column ©Dr Eugene’s Blogs

There was this jealous husband. He likes keeping tabs on the wife as he works far away from home. Anytime he calls the wife, his favourite question is ‘where are you now?’ and he likes adding the things like: ‘Where are you now as I am talking to you now?’ ‘Where are you now as I am taking my bath now?’ ‘Where are you now as I am driving to work now?’ ‘Where are you now as I am taking my lunch now?’ ‘Where are you now as I am lying down on the bed now?’ One day, the wife paid him a surprise visit and caught him in a compromising position with another lady. The wife said, ‘Where are you now as I am about to kill you now?’ … ©Dr Eugene’s Column ©Dr Eugene’s Blogs

A man sent airtime to his a lady friend. In appreciation, she sent a text: ‘May God bless you wondafooly.’ The man felt that the lady was drowsy when she sent the message.  Another time, he sent another airtime, she replies: ‘May God bless you plantainfooly.’ Well, maybe she was in a hurry when she typed the text. Yet again, he sent another airtime. Her reply: ‘May God bless you messifooly.’ In anger, the man, a Madrid fan, replied: ‘Kindly return my airtime now or I will deal with you ronaldoly and balefooly’ ©Dr Eugene’s Column ©Dr Eugene’s Blogs

I don’t know tomorrow But I do know When the greater luminary burst forth In its eternal brightness Awakening our souls! It’s called today. I don’t know tomorrow But I do know The chirping of the birds The whirrs and purrs of fun animals The breeze of dawn that caresses my cheeks Beauty as far as my eyes can behold It’s called today I don’t know tomorrow But I do know The warm greetings of acquaintances The affectionate smiles of beloved friends The roaring laughter from good-hearted humour The innocent cries of a young baby It’s called today I don’t know tomorrow But I do know The endeavours of man The teacher taking delight in educating her pupils The artist who makes works of great beauty The farmer who brings sweetness to our palates The trader who provides our every need It’s called today I don’t know tomorrow But I do know The quest for answers The ‘whys’ of a little child The ‘how’s’ of a grown man Th...

Every now and then, you hear a political leader or appointee saying things like these: “The unemployment levels in this country/region/state keep me up at night.” “The level of poverty in this country/region/state gives me sleepless nights.” Yet, after months and years in office, the level of unemployment/poverty remains the same or gets even worse. It makes me wonder: “Could it be that those politicians making these statements have sleepless nights at home and then doze all through at work? “Maybe they could use more sleep at home and have clear eyes to do the work the following day. “I wonder what they do as they spend sleepless nights musing over the plight of their constituents. What are they doing wide awake at night with their tablets/laptops/palmtops/short-tops/topless? What is on their agenda: keeping the peace or tearing in pieces? ” ©Dr Eugene’s Column ©Dr Eugene’s Blogs

The words, ‘Chief’, ‘My Chief’ mean different things to different people. If you are traditionally minded, it could mean a traditional ruler. If you are medically inclined, it’s used for a senior colleague. There was this senior medical doctor (Chief) who took pride in tormenting a junior colleague. This went on forever. The junior colleague now found a way to make light of the situation. He bought a dog and named it ‘chief.’ So, each morning, he goes to work and receives doses of abuse from his human ‘Chief.’ Then, when he closes from work, he goes home to his animal ‘Chief’: “Chief, come here. What’s wrong with you? Is your brain the size of peanuts? Why did you wee-wee and pooh-pooh on the rug? You are just like your mate at work.” The next morning, he goes to work and pay homage to his human ‘Chief’, “Chief, Chief, (smiling mischievously) you remind me of another Chief I know. Chief! Chief! ” Human Chief replies: “What are you smiling at? Where is the P...

This week at work, I was surprised at the comments made by my patients. I got a new low hair-cut and a clean shave early in the week. ‘Doctor, you look so young.’ ‘You look young; you must be very brilliant to have gone to school early.’ ‘You look younger than my last child.’ Wow… Omo youngie, na wa ooo… After spending decades on earth, I still look ‘young, too young, and so young’. O boy, wahala dey! Even those younger than me feel so challenged. Well, I know what to do. I will take pro-aging pills: drugs that would make me age quicker. Are such drugs even available? The web is full of anti-aging remedies, anything for pro-aging? But, see the irony! Many seek to look younger, while I and my ‘young self’ seek to look older. Wahala dey! In case you are a ‘learner’, ‘wahala dey’ means ‘there is trouble.’ ©Dr Eugene’s Column ©Dr Eugene’s Blogs